I've decided

So I know this will sound a bit funny to many, but I've decided that loosing these babies is just not an acceptable option. I've always had this odd delayed reaction to really horrifying situations - I'm sure it's a defense mechanism that I've sort of built up over time to allow me clarity during times of chaos. However, in a time such as this, it really does take me awhile to get a grip and make the change from hopeful listener to determined activist. So I woke up this morning and just all of a sudden could think of nothing else other than these babies being ok. Not out of desperation or hope as usual, I just know I cannot accept any other outcome. It's changed my focus just a bit and allowed me to be more in charge of my care. The doctors seem to be floundering a bit - they don't have an answer to my problem so they sort of keep throwing small things at it in hopes that the problem will just sort of stay steady rather than attack over time. It's been driving me crazy. Everytime one of the 5 - yes 5 doctors comes in here, they tell me something a little different then tell me the worst outcome and tell me to prepare. As if that's even possible. I end up an emotional mess which does me and the babies no good at all and it takes me a day to regain my composure enough to even know what to ask - by that time, another doctor has come and gone. What a rollercoaster!

So I've decided, I know that this has and will go down in my memory bank as one of the most horrific, emotionally traumatizing, exhausting experiences Brent and I will ever have. But it will - it must end better than what they've given me hope for.

So, today I have renewed strength and my blood pressure has been much better controlled. I've also finally put on a couple more pounds - which in their haste to monitor fluid retention, was and issue that seems to have escaped the doctor's minds.

I am (once again) so appreciative of the support and I know I have must have legions of people praying and sending love and happy supportive thoughts our way. Please know that the efforts have not gone unnoticed. Thank you so much.

I will see perinatology again on this Thursday but I'm told that they will not measure the babies again until next Thursday - sometimes they seem to buck that system though. We'll see - I'll keep you posted. Something's growing in there - even the nurse commented the yesterday on my ever expanding belly as she weighed me. I almost never leave the bed and am under the covers so much that I think they sometimes forget about my belly.

Please keep reading the blogs for more updates and passing thoughts! I'll be in touch. Love, hugs, kisses and kicks (actually they are turning more into thuds and thumps).