Friday, February 18, 2011

Chasing Kuylen

We really had a great day today. Errands this morning - and we even made it out before 10 which means we made it in and out of the 2 stores we needed to go to just as they opened.

I have been so antsy to run but have been taking it easy since the half marathon. Today. was. gorgeous. I couldn't take it any longer so I put the kiddos in the stroller and we set out to run down by the lake. I haven't been that way in awhile with all of the cold weather so I was SUPER excited to really enjoy a moment's peace, and be with my thoughts for a bit.

I don't know if I'll ever actually claim to be a runner. I run - but every step is a tiny split second decision for me. None of it is easy. Mind over matter...and I get a HUGE bonus for running. It...I'm not kidding about one of the only times in my day that I am totally, 100% focused...then it happens...every time...Kuylen. My sweet boy is just there. I feel his weight in my arms, I see his smile. I can even trace his velvet soft skin over his cheeks, his little nose. It has crossed my mind that I may not be breathing properly and a little low on oxygen - but I don't care. It's our moment and when it's over, I can't wait for the next. Don't get me wrong, I hurt, I ache, I try my hardest to cling to his every feature. The lump in my throat is terribly hard to swallow - and many times I just let the tears fall.

I've learned, over time, to be ok with this. It's the best I can do. I miss him, I always will. It makes me smile that I can remember him so clearly and have a way of being with him - even if I do appear to be a bit of a nut sniveling and running through town.

I did 6 miles today. I only ran a small portion and enjoyed a brisk walking pace for the rest. We stopped at a little park by the lake - just down from the spot where we released Kuylen balloons and notes last year. I let the babies out and we played in the slides for about 20 minutes. I was so very proud of us! It was the first time I let them play on a playground without anyone else there to help me. They behaved so so well and seemed to almost understand that I needed them to stay close to me.

We walked home, I made a quick tomato basil soup from scratch and Brent walked in from work. We decided to go back to the lake (I'm serious when I say this was beautiful day) and let the babies play in the fountain for the first time. They have been eyeing this thing for months now! It was a whole heap of fun - and I got tons of photos which are currently downloading.

A MAJOR picture purge is a-coming folks! Stay tuned!


1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful post! Like you, I don't claim to be a runner, but I am trying. It's amazing the thoughts that come to you when you are just so focused on putting one foot in front of the other. I like the idea of running towards something, and you've given me inspiration to "find" the daughter we lost when I'm out on the trail alone.