rough evening with David

So we went (to the NICU) at about 4:30 for our regular post work visit and we were asked to leave about 30 minutes later due to an emergency with another baby there. As horrible as it sounds, I thought, I'm so thankful that it's not our babies in the emergency...

Thought too quickly I suppose - we went back at 7:30 intending to stay until 9pm and leave for the evening. Just before we were to leave, David's oxygen saturation started to drop. Now, during the visit, he didn't grip my finger as hard as he usually does, didn't take his pacifier and looked a little pale but I was told his color had improved (since earlier in the day). He also seemed a little tired - although he was still quite irritable. Remember, I'm new at this mom stuff - and I'm not sure they would've done anything if I'd said "he's not holding my finger like he normally does". I was also told that he'd had a rough day with all of the changes to his settings, etc.

So, his saturation started to drop. His urine output was almost nothing for the afternoon. His nurse was at his bedside. He tried to suction David but nothing was in his tube (an ET tube can promote excess sectretions causing the babies to need suctioning when they sound congested). His chest sounded clear. His oxygen continued dropping - to the 30's!! He started to look dusky and actually turned gray! I was standing there watching my son slowly turn gray - wiggle every now and then while they (the NNP was there as well as another nurse, and a respiratory therapist - or 2) worked on him, listening, bagging, suctioning - but nothing was there. They took a chest xray. It was all white indicating either a pneumonia or that while bagging, his alveolar sacs (the little areas in the lungs that hold the oxygen) had collapsed and were not reinflating. This can apparently happen if the baby is disconnected from the vent, bagged, put back on the vent, etc. When they are disconnected, the alveolar sacs can collapse and as they are not fully formed, they stick together and cannot reinflate properly. They also checked his tube placement and repositioned him. All of this took about an hour of me and Brent looking on in horror as our little boy struggled. I couldn't say anything. Brent would ask a question and I was just frozen. I was scared that if I opened my mouth that all that would come out would be sobbing. After a long while, I found my voice and tried to explain what little I knew about what was going on and we continued to wait while the nurses, etc. quietly worked on him.

Finally the NNP said that his saturation was coming up. We went to look at him and he was pale but pink and his oxygen saturation was at 93%. I must admit, I was a bit numb - and terrified, and upset, but relief was not all that high on my list of feelings. They are not sure what caused the decline - the cultures take at least a day to process but it could still be infection. It could also be that too many changes were made at once yesterday. Anyhow, he is back up on the dopamine and nitric oxide, and his oxygen settings when we left were very high and his vent settings were increased.

In between all of this, I learned that they would most likely need the bed that is in between our 2 babies (Kuylen's bed). It has been empty since Kuylen. They apoligized for having to possibly "separate" our little ones but they have so much equipment that it would stress them to unplug and move - even such a short distance. It's not that there will be another baby there that bothers me. It's that if I could, I would do anything to prevent another person from having to go through even a fraction of what we've been through. The fact that they need that bed means the baby is really early (sort of like ours) or at least needs alot of care.

The NICU is set up in invisible sections. They aren't really discussed - and sometimes I wonder if other parents notice their babies' placement. Do they even know how lucky they are to be in THAT spot? ha. The closer you get to the door, the closer you are to leaving...our babies are all the way in the back against the wall. I wish that no delivery would warrant the use of that area ever again. Impossible I know - but a hope all the same. I hurt for the other mom - I remember how afraid, distraught and disappoited I was knowing that I was about to deliver my little ones so early -knowing just a fraction of what they would have to go through to make it out of those doors.

I have been so intensely thankful for every moment of pregnancy and every moment I've gotten to spend with my little ones. I don't think, "why me" really - not sure why. I just think - these are my children. They are little but I'm here for them to watch them grow - they are my family and we can do this. However, when I think of someone else going through it, I can take on sort of an outsider's view for just a moment. I think, "why them, why was that mom - that family chosen for this?" I don't pretend even for a second to know how they feel - the other parents in the NICU or other parents who have lost children or even other parents who have or will have micro-preemies like ours. I don't know what they are feeling. But I know how I feel - and if I could have one wish (outside of having my babies at home healthy and strong), I would wish that another family would never have to go through this. I'm not really looking for answers - the "God has a plan" thing has never really brought me any comfort. I find it to be an overused excuse when bad things happen. I've never been told that "God has a plan" when something good happens...

Back to David. I called very early this morning and was told that he remained stable through the night. After we left, his sats got better and he had a good night overall (after his whole not breathing and turning gray for mom fiasco - way to go kiddo!). I'll go to see them shortly.

I also got a quick report on Mary Louise. She is doing really well with her feedings - and oh by the way -had a big poopy diaper yesterday - Brent saw it! (I told you - all they have to do is breathe, wee and poop and they have it made with us!) Last night she didn't have any residuals - so that's really fantastic! Way to go baby girl!

Thank you for listening to my blabbering - this is quite therapeutic for me honestly (and I'm happy it keeps everyone informed easily). More news this evening...

Love,
Heather