The babies are doing well today - well they are the same really as yesterday. Mary Louise gained 5 grams (an ounce is a little more than 28 grams in comparison). She needs to gain at least a half ounce per day - preferably a full ounce but we'll start small right? I'm told that some babies don't gain for awhile and then start to put on weight all of a sudden - a growth spurt of sorts. Worst case scenario is for her to have to be reintubated because just breathing causes her to use lots of calories. We are NOT to that point though and are left hoping that she starts to really gain soon. She is now 2 pounds 5 ounces.
David also gained a bit. He is 2 pounds 2 ounces I think and catching up to his sister rather quickly. He looks good and his sputum culture has been negative thus far but he is continuing to desat with any stimulation. (well, he does it without stimulation too). We sit and talk quietly by his isolette. He seems to be rather used to mine and Brent's voices and sometimes falls asleep to them which is so sweet. He is making more faces now and opening his eyes more often - though he continues to sleep much more than our wide-eyed Mary Louise.
As for me, HA HA HAHAHA! That's all I have right now. I mean honestly, this whole pregnancy / post pregnancy complication thing is really getting old. All I can do is smile at my latest speical circumstance of pumping that I seem to have been blessed with. This is actually the second bout I've had. The first one was really minor and resolved in a day or so. It was about a week and a half ago. This one seems a bit worse. Anyhow, continuing to pump - and cringe while doing so. I can't say that it's even close to my favorite thing to do, but (aside from the "it's the best thing for my babies" line) it reminds me that I am now a mom - I still wake up in a daze many mornings and wonder if this is all really happening.
A forewarning...I need a bit of venting time and as this has become my journal of sorts, I'm writing it here - if you don't want to hear it, believe me, I'm not offended - I'm just warning you to stop here...
There is another tiny baby in Kuylen's incubator. Brent had a reaction the first day he (the baby is a boy) was there. True to my own form, I barely reacted then, only to have this long drawn out reaction over the following few days. So I've caught myself sub-consciously staring in that direction picturing my little Kuylen there trying so hard to hold on. Not a day, nor hour goes by that I don't think of him.
When I started having trouble and learned that he was not expected to make it, I hoped and prayed that the doctors were all wrong. They told me that I should be happy to have 2 babies left - as if I couldn't feel him kicking his tiny legs and rolling around with who turned out to be Mary Louise. When David started having placental insufficiency and cord problems, they said to be happy that I had one baby doing well. They reminded me that I'd started out only wanting one baby and had ended up pregnant with 3. I'm sure that was a rather sorry attempt to make me feel better. It actually made me feel guilty for being so greedy - as if I was being reprimanded for taking too many cookies from the cookie jar. (because you know it's every girl's dream to have triplets right?) I absolutely adore my darlings - our precious babies. I try to hold on to every second, each little eye opening or hand grabbing. I try to memorize everything about them and notice each change as they grow. However, not a moment passes that I don't want to be back in the hospital bed on bedrest - happily withering away while my babies - all 3 grow and mature in my belly - waiting a full 9 (ok- I'd settle for 7 or 8 even) months. I feel like I'm totally exposed - as if everyone (including me) is watching my pregnancy from the outside. All I want to do is protect them like I'm supposed to but all I can do is sit and watch while they try to do this on their own - with the help of the team of medical staff of course.
I've dealt with it all - and I've tried to laugh and smile the whole way (well almost the whole way). The sheer irony that all of my decisions about the one thing I had so many opinions and beliefs about (childbirth) were made for me is funny. But to be completely honest, I'm tired right now, this week I'm just tired and frustrated. I was so excited to be able to provide my babies with the one thing that could not be found or created or gotten from anywhere else. Now, I have mastitis and they are having to add all kinds of things to Mary Louise's milk to help her gain weight. How can the one thing that sould be so straightforward be so complicated?! Honestly! babies' only jobs are to create dirty diapers, breathe eat and GROW!!
I think my rant is over (then again, it may start all over again tomorrow)- I feel a bit better anyhow.
Please Mary Louise and David - have a darn fat day already - one that is NOT due to fluid retention at least!
Love to all - and thank you for the advice on this latest beast of pregnancy! (and of course, thanks for reading)
love, Heather
P.S. My older brother graduated from law school today - I'm so very excited and proud of him!
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You're doing great. You've been through so much these past few months, and you've gotten over every hurdle, even the unthinkable, losing a child. I never knew you very well, but I have to say I really admire you. Hang in there, honey. Do what your dr says to do for your mastitis. Get lots of rest and know that everyone is sending their love and prayers. You are very brave and your husband and children are so lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteHeather, you are so awesome. Writing with your sincere honesty is the best thing you can do for your sanity right now! You have every right to be pissed with your strings of bad luck - but you also have every right to be overcome with joy as you look at those 2 precious beings! Keep strong!
ReplyDeleteHannah