a new day

The doctor phoned a bit ago and said that David has been started on antibiotics for a possible infection. He still has all of his IV lines in and in use, leaving him incredibly susceptible to such horrors. The doctor however, questioned the positive results of his sputum test as it took an awfully long time to grow and thinks it may be a contaminant. The solution: repeat the tests and start antibiotics immediately. With patients so small and so fragile, we cannot afford to take the chance that he may in fact have an infection brewing. Forever careful, I feel that I will be forever overprotective.

Mary Louise is doing well overall (I'll bet you love to hear the overall part - if you've been reading, it always implies a glitch in progress - ha). She is continuing to gain minimal weight and although the doctor hasn't said it aloud yet, there is a hint of consideration for re-tubing her. He is starting her on anti-reflux drugs today. They put all feedings on a pump over 30 minutes to try to help with her digestion. The doctor spoke of "trying to maximize available medications before taking further action" - not so comforting, but I can't dwell on those things that haven't happened yet. They are doing blood cultures again on her as she has had an increase in apneic and bradycardic episodes (she stops breathing and her heart rate drops). Any little change like this - and the fact that her platelets once again have shown a drop - can be a sign of infection. He reminded me that just because she is free from IV lines, it does not imply that she is free from risk or actual infection. Her risk is simply reduced. Again - I promise that I am an overprotective mother in the making.

I am always so keenly aware of how lucky we are to have each moment with our babies. I spoke with a hospital employee last night who pointed out how well the babies are doing - especially for their untimely births. I realize that our little ones are not the norm by any means - which may be a part of why I'm so vigilant in monitoring their progress (I say vigilant, some say obsessive - tomato, "tomoto" is my response). Crazy about germs and who puts what in their incubator or touches them? absolutely! Have you counted how many times the word infection comes up in these blogs? Why on earth would I not pitch a fit if they have any more exposure than absolutely necessary?

I've been doing alot of reflection lately on what's happened over the last 2 months or so. I've decided that as horrific as it's been, I would go through all of it again in a heartbeat. (it may seem silly, but this was a huge decision for me to make - and a resolution I really needed) I know it must sound a bit self-punishing, but as I continue to hold every tearful, heartwrenching moment with my Kuylen so close to my heart and mind, there is not a part of me that would not be willing to endure it again, just the same. (of course I would want just 5 more minutes with my little angel, then 5 more and so on - c'mon - I'm human!)

Each time I walk in the NICU I am happy that I have a place to visit my little ones - a place filled with people who care about our children and want them to do well and excel - a place dedicated to their well-being. We were never supposed to meet our little jelly bean Kuylen - we got 5 WHOLE DAYS!! That in itself is such a miracle. Mary Louise was given a 50/50 chance and she sits breathing on her own - determined to survive and prosper in life. David - our sweet grumpy little guy - was given less than a 50/50 chance and each day continues to surprise his caretakers with such heroic efforts. Every day they continue on, I learn something new about them and about myself. How resilient we are - what we as humans can endure - against all odds - how our hearts and minds can open and support one another - random strangers can become one's biggest comfort. People are truly amazing - and we certainly have much to learn. In short, given the same outcome, I would endure all of this, every second, over again - without hesitation - for my little Kuylen, Mary Louise and David. To be in their presence and to be their mother is such an honor.

I think back to my life before all of this - not long ago but seems like years to me now. I loved that life - loved my job, my marriage, (my dogs and cat- ha), all our immediate and extended families. I was not desperate for children. I had actually almost accepted that we may not have them at all (after 2 years of trying). That was ok with me - ha - we could have a life of "grown-up vacations" and save and retire as early as possible! Then - the pregnancy began and we really were so excited.

My life now I love just as much if not more - or maybe it's just in a different way. Even with all that has happened and continues to develop - I consider myself honestly one of the luckiest people I know. Who gets these chances? These experiences? Only a blessed few I'd say. I wouldn't have it any other way. (well, correction - I really could've done without the mastitis and the rash - really those are and were a bit over the top...)

ha - back on track a bit today - love, Heather