Thursday, October 25, 2012

Sweet Meese Moments

Mary Louise has had yet another rough recovery. She had some clear "snotties" that just wouldn't stop, then all but disappeared only to leave a really awful and nagging cough behind. I listened to her chest and didn't hear anything really obvious - but opted for a safe second opinion to be sure.

Brent took her to the NP yesterday. Her chest is still clear and she confirmed that we were employing the correct medication schedule and just needed to keep it up until her sinuses dried. She's doing quite a bit better today it seems.

Her appetite still isn't much and she and David have both had some transient nausea (I suspect their post nasal drips are the ultimate issue and hope that clears very soon - these kids can't really afford to go another day without eating).

Last night she was fussing. I went in to talk to her. David was fast asleep. I told her I'd lie with her a bit and would then only be a few feet away with Everett. She asked, "Mommy? Will you sing me a wittle song?" She snuggled in to the crux of my arm and shoulder and closed her eyes. I could smell her hair and hear her breathing. She moved her ear over my chest. I sang quietly:

You are my Sunshine
Jesus Loves Me
If I were a Butterfly

I realized I was rather mindlessly going through the songs I'd learned with my grandmother and at school so long ago. Mary Louise smiled in her sleep. I started again:

One Man Went to Mow the Meadow

I have no idea what the name of that song really is - but my mom taught it to me for the long hours of rocking and coaxing to sleep (after having kids). I used to sing it to Mary Louise and David almost every night. David stirred when he heard it and put his head on the other side of my chest.

It was heavenly. Inhaling the smell of their little heads - I can still catch just a hint of my sweet tiny babies there.

I crept back to bed only to have Mary Louise wake again a little later. Brent went in this time as Everett was nursing. He unlatched and rolled a little. I looked at his profile in the moonlight showing through the window. There he was - just for the tiniest instant. Kuylen. His lines were there. Everett turned and Kuylen disappeared again. But I know he's always here with us in some way.

My dad died 5 years ago on October 20th. We were in the throws of puke-fest 2012 so I didn't write anything - but thought tons. 5 years ago- our family is physically not the picture he left behind - always changing and growing. I remember bits and pieces of that day - most notably, my mother's voice on the phone trying to ask us to please come. I remember the last face to face conversation I had with my dad - his serious face, his hurt and disappointment over a situation he could neither fix nor control - his dry humor. I remember watching his shoulders relax each summer as we crossed into the city limits of St. Augustine - that tiny smile that would spread across his lips when he first set foot on the warm sand. He would put on his classic Ray Ban sunglasses, swim suit and literally not move for hours as he sat under an umbrella with a book (but I'm pretty sure the book was just a poser - the snoring usually gave him away). He was at peace there and I suspect he is now as well. It's amazing to me how much I am still learning from him...

This morning Mary Louise sat next to me on the sofa playing with Everett's feet while he nursed. He looked up at her with a milky grin. She said, "Momma? My would yike to keep dis baby." She was very matter of fact and rather serious.

I asked, "are you talking about Everett, Mary Louise?"

She nodded with an excited smile.

Me: "Well, that's good Mary Louise because I would like to keep him too. Why don't we let him stay awhile."

She nodded again. "I would yike to be a mommie I fink."

Me: "You are a great Mommy helper right now Mary Louise! Just like a little Mommy to Everett. Do you like being a big sister?"

ML: "I am a Mommy Big Sister for Everett. One day I will dus be a Mommy."

Me: "Maybe so baby girl. Maybe so. Thank you for always helping me."

ML: "You welcome Mommy."

and with that, she went back to watching Sesame Street.


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