"Hanging in there"

My typical answer for the general "how ya doing?". And it's true. I logged into this blog for the first time in months a few minutes ago, took a deep breath, and started this. I'm not sure what will come through, but it's time...

We've had a time of monumental change and I needed to retreat to a tiny corner and sit for awhile. Process, love on the littles, and just be. Thoughts have been a blur, and I literally am unable to think 5 minutes into the future anymore (which, I'm finding is quite nice actually).

Everett had his last visit with the hematologist in March. Fully recovered, he is within normal limits for both circulating and stored iron.

Tomorrow, he has his first visit with a plastic surgeon. He has a rapidly growing granuloma on his cheek. It is (upon a dermatologist visit) thought to be one that continues growing rapidly and never resolves, is very unstable (as evidenced by Ev running into David on Sunday or so and bleeding and oozing just about non-stop since), and it needs to be surgically removed (meaning stitches...meaning scarring...on his face...hence the plastic consult). It is thought to be benign and the greatest concerns would be 1. sedation, 2. infection, 3. amount of scarring and 4. reducing chance of regrowth as much as possible. I'll post more here as I know more.

Mary Louise and David had eye check ups in January. They went well - very little change in vision. However, David's left eye has been wandering outward during exhaustion since I can remember. It was corrected with glasses to some degree. But the vision in that eye has declined faster than the right. I am now putting dilating drops in the unaffected eye weekly and patching as much as he'll let me (we play pirates...often...and super heroes...who only need one eye...and when all else fails, I let him watch a show I wouldn't normally allow (Spiderman). My favorite David conversation so far was the first time I put the patch on:

Me: Hey David? Remember those super cool pirate patches we got at the store?
D: Yeah!!
Me: How about you come and choose a color and decorate one. Then we can try it out and be rockin' pirates Bub!
D: OK!! YAY!
ML: I want to wear an eye patch!!
Me: ...
(David put stickers on his patch...I put it on)
D: Hey Mom! I can't see if you cover my eyes!

Sweet baby really doesn't seem to be able to see much out of that left eye...but we're working on it. We go back mid summer for a recheck...hoping for some resolution or at least slowed progression.

Mary Louise has had a couple of visits with her pulmonologist. He will see her again mid summer to hopefully stop all meds completely for awhile. This. THIS. is huge. She is taking 1 puff of Advair daily right now. No nasonex, no adenoid removal, no sinus surgery on the horizon...She runs, she plays, we've used the nebulizers once this year during the winter. Vitamins, probiotics, kicking dairy, elderberry syrup, local honey, nettles based allergy vitamin, shark liver oil immune boosters and the correct (CORRECT) preventative prescriptions. It's what's working. Each little step pushed her to get a little bit better, recover from illness a little easier, faster, stronger. Each brick is so important. And with the doctors seeing that with diligence, this preventative approach is well worth the outcome, perhaps hope will resume (because, let's face it, it is so very needed). The next time they find an ubber obnoxious wild eyed bear momma sitting in their office insisting that "it's just not good enough" and "my baby CAN and WILL be better - I just need to find the way"...perhaps in this critical but relatively typical situation, they can offer something more than "well, this med will work, but it's expensive (without even looking at our ins. coverage)..." or "you know, when people come to me, they usually just want a quick fix script - not a long term diet change".

Mary Louise and David will have their end of the year recital this weekend. David is nervous, ML is hard to contain and has informed David that he must NOT mess up her "big stage". Ha. Stinkers. They will have swimming lessons and a fine motor / handwriting course this summer. and....they will attend a Montessori preschool program 3 days per week in the fall!!! It's very small (15 students total), in home, and they are beyond excited to attend "real" school. I'm nervous...mostly about exposure to illness. But, developmentally, it's time for them. They are begging to try. Having an opportunity to get them into a program like this is a great blessing. So, we'll dive in in a few more months!

We've had another round of birthdays here as well...5 and 2 ya'll...5 and 2. 5 and 2...5 and 2...FIVE AND TWO!!



Mouth in the middle:




Ma Monkeys...




My greatest lesson: if you see a field of flowers...stop and enjoy...








and...you know...if you're allergy prone, perhaps have the appropriate antihistamine cream on hand post crimson clover dance...always learning...

xo,

Heather

True Stories Thursday

I think we need a day to stop, sit back, and take in all that happens around here. The ironies, the funnies, the sads, the happies. All of it. Realizing that's pretty much the whole blog...I still think we should have a "thing" here to recognize those moments that aren't super mega spectacular in the world news sort of scale - but things I'd want to remember and laugh about later. A celebration of these early years that are a blur now, even as I'm in their midst. I know they are going by way to fast and I'm holding on - hoping some of it stays with me so I can savor the smell and marvel at the fading blooms a little longer...
**************

We came home from the last day of "school" today to find quite the surprise. A man was here working on our windows. Lizzie, our 11 year old Weimaraner, had broken out of her kennel (she's been kennel trained since I was given her at age 4 months and often "puts herself to bed" when we stay up later than what pleases her.). She was running around the house wide eyed and exhausted. She had been quite busy. One would *think* she might have been busy barking at windows with strange men peering in them. No no. In all of her geriatric glory, she broke open a new box of her "Mix ins" food packets. She didn't actually eat any of the food - she is a notoriously picky eater which is why we have those funky things at all. She just broke open the box, shredded the card board and spread the packets around. Fair enough, easy clean up. However, she wasn't quite done with her attempt at stress eating. She broke into a 5 pound bag of organic garbanzo beans sitting on the counter. We eat a ton of hummus - enough to justify ordering garbanzos in bulk from the co-op. Apparently, Lizzie would like in on that action? It looked as if she'd had fun at any rate. After letting her out, she promptly went back into her kennel blankets for a rest. I'm pretty sure busy girl's eyes closed before her rump hit the bed. At least David is very into helping me clean right now.
****************

For the last day of camp, Mary Louise and David got to release butterflies! It was really beautiful and the kids were very respectful of the delicate insects. I love watching them learn. Their enthusiasm is contagious!

To quote their teacher's Facebook status:
You know you've been a good teacher, when on the last day, your kids respond like this:

"Would you come see me, please?" 
"But we can see you from here, would you rather us come walk to you?"

"Mrs. Dru, my vertebrae scratches (itches), would you help me?"

We all had a wonderful time participating over the past 2 weeks. The big kids learned all sorts of wonderful things about the world around them in the company of great friends. Their teacher got to follow a great calling and share her beautiful gift with us. I got a little running time each morning - about 2 hours to be exact. I am hooked again. Monday, I got 7 miles done. Tuesday, I did 7.6 miles in the morning and dragged on to the gym in the afternoon - putting 1 more mile in as well as lots of stretching and abdominal work. I feel wonderful and am hoping I can continue at least some of what I've been working on.

I've learned loads about Mary Louise and David throughout their class time as well. We are staying at home next year. This process (camp) has helped me view their learning from an outsider's perspective. I am excited (and nervous) to facilitate learning together, growing together and playing together. It's what we've been doing all along, but with more of a (concrete) purpose (I think). Ha- clearly, I'm still a bit unsure...
*****************

Everett and I are on day 2 of a dairy reaction. He got some of David's eggs last night...said eggs had cheese in them (a very rare treat but one that David thoroughly enjoys when offered about once a week or so). I am happy to report that Everett's reaction is far less severe than it was a year ago. However, the reaction is certainly still there. Boo on this. Mr. Grump Grump is definitely running full force. I can't wait to have my happy little man back. I miss that sweet guy.


So very ready for the weekend!!!!!! We've had our front porch rebuilt and the windows sealed. We have a ton of painting work to do over the summer - but for now, we rest and enjoy the company of Daddy (he'll be home tonight - weeeee!! after almost a decade of marriage...I'm still embarrassingly giddy over our time together...- we've missed our Brent so much this week!!)

xo,
Heather

Needed: My lesson in growth and letting go

Mary Louise and David started going to a Montessori camp today. I called it school (because that's really what it is - but just 2 weeks worth of mornings) and prepared them just as I would for any other new activity or lesson. They were excited - a little nervous - but mostly really really excited.

I have talked to their teacher for months...and by "talk" I mean obsessively emailed, texted and called with obnoxious updates and suggestions regarding the ever changing and constantly developing personalities, dynamic and function of Mary Louise and David. She's a good sport about my helicopter parenting. She doesn't just listen, but actually follows up with exact examples and super descriptive instances where my force fed information might have (possibly) come in handy - then she does one better and tells me how my over zealous hovering is not just ok - but maybe even justified - ha.

I offered to be a "room mom". But, I couldn't shake the feeling that this was just one of those times I needed to step back and let our littles shine in their own lights. Admittedly, I also felt a hefty push from within to take advantage of those few precious hours with Everett and just enjoy a slightly slower pace for a little while.

I brought them over this morning with plans to run while they had school time. I was really excited about the chance to put in a few miles, sweat the good sweat and breathe in the warm sun while sorting through my crazy brain for a bit - clarity with exercise followed by that complete exhale- it is my one of most favorite feelings.

We were the first to arrive. Yeah. Don't think I was all organized and graceful either. I did set out clothes and things the night before - but we still ran late and ripped into the driveway 5 minutes after the hour. Ha - apparently, the other moms were just slightly more frantic than I was so we didn't miss anything!

Mary Louise and David didn't bat a eye and marched right up to their teacher and her daughter and said their good mornings. They immediately made themselves at home - exploring all of the new school props about (the teacher also led their music class and we've had play dates with her family so this was all familiar territory for Mary Louise and David - win!)

I was the one who sort of froze for a bit. Everett looked around and crawled under the carport. The other children and room moms arrived. Everyone did just fine. I stood watching for half and hour - realizing the whole time that our sweet kiddos adjusted so immediately and seamlessly that I had to mentally catch up to their level of comfort.

I told them I was going to go for a run. They stopped, looked, listened, nodded, said, "ok mom" and went right on about their day. It was one of the first times I felt as if I was just there because of me, rather than them. I hovered closer for a few minutes...breathing down their sweet little necks...forcing myself to meander on over to the car and get the stroller set up. I looked back at them. Still fine. Not even noticing. Big kids.

I started out on my run. It felt good to connect with the pavement again.

I remembered having a fuss with my mom after the kids were home (from the hospital). Mom looked at me, appearing bewildered at what I had asked (I don't even remember what it to be honest) - she said, "you just don't need me anymore. You're fine. You can do this. You don't need me. None of you do..."

I started to cramp and kept running - slowing just a tad and focusing on breathing. I found my sweet spot in form and kept going. My legs going a little numb- moving instinctively. Steady pace. I thought of my mom's eyes in that moment...

I was heart broken. I felt I needed more than she could give and didn't blame her at all for the remark. To me, it was just part of her grieving. I just felt sad. Didn't she know? There have been so many times that, as an adult, I felt I needed my mom more than I did as a child (and goodness knows more than I needed her as a teen -*grin*). There has not been one moment - not one instant - that I have not needed her. Ever. Not once. Not wanted her? sure. Not needed...never.

And there it was...clarity.

Everett started a fit and I ended up not only nursing openly on the side of a south Lake Charles road amid small farms and large pick up trucks, but also carrying that stinker under my arm - screaming - for over half a mile. A man working on a tractor offered me a ride - bless him - I'm sure it's not a regular thing to see a sweat drenched flustered mom pushing an empty double jogger while carrying a baby kicking and fussing down the side of a fast paced country road. The man was the teacher's father. It made complete sense that he'd offer a ride - and I knew he meant it. They are that family. Without a second thought before or after, giving of themselves is as natural as breathing.

I trudged down the drive and plopped into the front seat. I didn't want to interrupt the kids - and Everett needed a quiet moment anyhow. I nursed him again and we cooled off awhile. I thought about running a marathon...or a half...or a full...

We ran an errand and came back to see how Mary Louise and David were doing. They were playing with HUGE tired grins.

Loaded in the car, they told me basics about their day. Then David suddenly said, "Mom? Did you have a good run?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I missed you and Everett. But I had fun at my school Mom."

"Wonderful. Would you like to go back tomorrow?"

"YES!!"

And that was that. I reminded myself that needs simply change and develop over time. Physical transforms into emotional, mental, collaborative. The need just shifts. Then I gave myself permission to linger a little longer and recognize that it was for me - that was my "me" moment WITH the kids. Recognize it. Embrace it. Let it go.

Family growing moments. I keep finding myself wondering who really is learning here...the answer, for me, is always the same: all of us.

xo,
Heather

P.S. Grump Grump Everett is teething again - explains his less than stellar road side show.