I've decided

So I know this will sound a bit funny to many, but I've decided that loosing these babies is just not an acceptable option. I've always had this odd delayed reaction to really horrifying situations - I'm sure it's a defense mechanism that I've sort of built up over time to allow me clarity during times of chaos. However, in a time such as this, it really does take me awhile to get a grip and make the change from hopeful listener to determined activist. So I woke up this morning and just all of a sudden could think of nothing else other than these babies being ok. Not out of desperation or hope as usual, I just know I cannot accept any other outcome. It's changed my focus just a bit and allowed me to be more in charge of my care. The doctors seem to be floundering a bit - they don't have an answer to my problem so they sort of keep throwing small things at it in hopes that the problem will just sort of stay steady rather than attack over time. It's been driving me crazy. Everytime one of the 5 - yes 5 doctors comes in here, they tell me something a little different then tell me the worst outcome and tell me to prepare. As if that's even possible. I end up an emotional mess which does me and the babies no good at all and it takes me a day to regain my composure enough to even know what to ask - by that time, another doctor has come and gone. What a rollercoaster!

So I've decided, I know that this has and will go down in my memory bank as one of the most horrific, emotionally traumatizing, exhausting experiences Brent and I will ever have. But it will - it must end better than what they've given me hope for.

So, today I have renewed strength and my blood pressure has been much better controlled. I've also finally put on a couple more pounds - which in their haste to monitor fluid retention, was and issue that seems to have escaped the doctor's minds.

I am (once again) so appreciative of the support and I know I have must have legions of people praying and sending love and happy supportive thoughts our way. Please know that the efforts have not gone unnoticed. Thank you so much.

I will see perinatology again on this Thursday but I'm told that they will not measure the babies again until next Thursday - sometimes they seem to buck that system though. We'll see - I'll keep you posted. Something's growing in there - even the nurse commented the yesterday on my ever expanding belly as she weighed me. I almost never leave the bed and am under the covers so much that I think they sometimes forget about my belly.

Please keep reading the blogs for more updates and passing thoughts! I'll be in touch. Love, hugs, kisses and kicks (actually they are turning more into thuds and thumps).

Monday Update

I should start by saying that I do as of right now have another week. However, my kidney function is declining - rather slowly right now - but the worry is that that decline will gain speed. My liver function is still within normal limits but has fluctuated slightly (elevated) and my platelets are also still within normal limits but with a slight decline (as compared to last week's lab results.) I feel ok and still have no swelling but apparently some cases of preeclamsia are just like that. My uric acid level has increased again - it is apparently used as a "soft indicator" of the disease process - meaning things are progressing and my kidneys are being put under more strain. Again, I was told there was nothing to do but wait. I'll be 23 weeks on Wednesday.

Future plans: if my labs remain stable and the disease process slows a bit, I'll remain here until it's absolutely necessary to deliver. However, if I make it into 24 to 25 weeks which is considered "the border of viability" for the babies, and my kidney function is continuing to decline, my primary OB has considered moving me to Baton Rouge during a "push" time. That is, if they are pushing my system passed what is routinely reccommended in an effort to buy another crucial week for the babies, he wants me in a hospital that staffs a perinatologist everyday - here they are on site only on Monday and Thursday. They specialize in ultrasounds and check the development of the babies.

If my condition worsens significantly prior to the grey area of viability, they will reccommend delivery anyhow.

That's the latest.

sleepy sunday - and a story

The other triplet mom next door is delivering today if I'm not mistaken (if not today then tomorrow morning). Her doctor came in and talked to me today (as she's been on call this weekend). Apparently the other mom is 29 weeks and 5 days and all the babies are at least 3 pounds. Anyhow, I wish her and the babies good health and happiness.

I've started my 24 hours of testing again today. Trying to stay calm about it and rest as much as possible. We'll see tomorrow.

I suppose I'll tell you my odd story for the week. So since I've come here, the nurses have worried about 2 things primarily...1. depression, 2. constipation. Now, I long ago developed the firm opinion that the majority of nursing is centered around excretions - sputum, bm, urine, blood - doesn't really matter what the excretion is, nurses have some sort of action to create, or reduce said excretion. But to be on this side of things, ha - what a different point of view. So the other day as the blood pressure cuff was cutting off the circulation in my poor bruised right arm once again, the nurse got a serious look on her face and said, "you know, if you need anything for psychosis or depression, don't be embarrassed to ask." Then she added, "and if you feel constipated, we can give you something for that as well. There's no need to be a hero and sit here and suffer." (and all this time I had no idea that I'd only need to sit blocked up in silence to be considered heroic). So, I could feel the giggle about to come out of my mouth, cleared my throat and said, "my flowers and family have done wonders for my mood - and I love the huge window in here - at least I get to see the weather, but if I start to feel like I'm loosing it, I'll let you know." Then I added, "I assure you, I have no trouble with constipation, but if a problem develops, I'll be sure to ask for something - I'm not that kind of hero." She seemed satisfied and opted not to push the issues any further after sort of mumbling, "you know nurses are the hardest patients to take care of."

At least I got my laugh for the day. I'll let you know how permission Monday pans out...

present moment, wonderful moment

No new news today - just enjoying a bit of time with Brent and our little family. Love to all.

hi neighbor

So I learned today that my noisy neighbor is the other triplet mom. Funny how much you learn by just being quiet. She's apparently a bit farther along than me and has been here for a week. I know she must not mean to cause a racket but each morning at 5am I get to hear her babies heartbeat (because someone feels the need to turn her doppler up to deafening sound level), then I hear her placental sounds followed by talking, someone pacing around her bed in high heels - that part is really getting annoying- and then about a 30 minute shower followed by high heels leaving followed by Heather(me) sleeping until breakfast. Did I mention how far I am from being a morning person? Anyhow, her doctor will keep an eye on us this weekend as mine is not on call. Other than that tidbit of exciting information, it's been a thankfully uneventful day.

I got to shower - my day was skipped yesterday partly because after being deflated once again by the specialist, I just couldn't work up the energy to properly enjoy one of the highlights of my week. I opted instead to catch up on rest, be a little grumpy (ok maybe alot grumpy) and aggravate Brent and read a ridiculous amount. So, today after getting all of that out of my system, I was in a bit better mood - slept just as much and read some more.

Continuing on, remaining thankful, scared and nervous, but undefeated...I'll let you know how the weekend goes.

just keep swimming!

I ended up in the ultrasound room with the specialist first thing this morning - a bit disoriented as they'd gotten me up from a sound sleep and hurried me across the hall. The babies are ok - the doctor said that their weight difference was expected with multiples - well his words were "one always gets most of the groceries" - although I'm still a bit alarmed. They were A: 11 ounces; B: 12 ounces (they had each gained an ounce since last week); C: 1 pound 4 ounces - guess who's getting the groceries. I was assured that they were all within range for normal growth and development for their gestational age. I suppose I should let this go as well as there's really not much - well nothing I can do about it. My cervix apparently looks amazing - they seem to get really excited about it's length - there are no signs of pending labor which is good. I then got another short lecture on how little is known about preeclampsia (as if I weren't already aware) followed by the worst case senario outcome of having to deliver the babies far too early due to life threatening complications for me. Of course I burst into tears. The doctor looked a little surprised and said he just wanted me to be prepared just in case but that I looked ok so far - it's just a day to day and hour to hour assessment. Wow, I feel so prepared now, thanks. pft. good talk good talk. With that he left after asking Brent something about golf.

So the point is, we're all still here oh and I've started picking up a pound here and there which is good - I'd lost a bit after being admitted here -still no signs of swelling and still feeling ok overall - just exhausted - next big day is permission Monday.

22 weeks today!!

What a special day! Every Wednesday, I feel like I can exhale a little more knowing we are one week closer to safe babies. Still a ways to go, but the small feats are so worth smiling over. Jane and Andrew (family from England) visited as well today - I haven't seen them in over 10 years though to sit and chat it feels like I was playing at Green Farm (their home) just yesterday. They delivered many goodies which was very fun - my room now has 2 additions of Easter flowers which smell amazing in addition to the other arrangements here. I slept well last night a woke this morning to playful kicks as usual - I've never EVER been a morning person but I must admit that I smile waking up to that. It's just amazing. I try to save each one in my memory and treasure all of these quiet moments as much as possible. My primary doctor (Brown) came in with a smile today and said that he hopes I continue on this path - next labs are set for Sunday and I will see the perinatologist tomorrow. I'm not sure if they will measure all of the babies or not but will be sure to update all on any news.

It has been quite busy here today. The "other triplet mom" (as there are apparently 2 of us up here) was somehow having trouble this morning and many of the nurses and staff were a bit flustered as all of the labor and delivery rooms were full as well. A few of them checked on me to make sure I was ok and told me that they would prefer not to have triplets here today - that both of us needed a bit more time. I agreed wholeheartedly. Interesting that there are 2 of us here though - although I'm not allowed to know anything more about her we apparently are aware of each other and ask about one another often - I've asked if she was ok and she does the same. The nurses are funny - not wanting to share any information (HIPPA) but wanting us to be comforted by the fact that we're not the only one. What an expreience - I still sometimes wonder if this is all really happening.

Other news: The church here has decided to postpone a baby shower for us until I can attend. They want to wait until we can really celebrate everything!

More later - nap time now! Love and gratitude to all.